FOOD VIGILANTE

Hold on to your plates! Recently information and characters involved in the Food Patrol phenomenon.If you need to brush up on the goings ons of this battle between me and the FPA, follow the links below.

Bell Compleanno    -    Blargument Party    -     

We hear again from my recent and possibly long time foe, Agent F. We also have some people coming out of the kitchen woodwork including BIG AUB, Taricchio Risque and surprisingly enough, OFOFPUT – one of the two supposed founders of the FPA. How interesting!

Here are the most recent entries…

“The food patrol is alive and well, still after children who don’t eat their peas! I still think that a party at home compared to a poorly lit, musty, so called “party room” (AKA BELLA LUNA) is much more inviting. It really boils down to the company and food! Well actually the food, and usually homemade is much better!”
BIG AUB

“Score one for the Food Vigilante! I’m all for the Home Party, feel good food, and NOT hiding the peas, as long as you just try one…..my grandson Tanner will attest to that one………..GOOD JOB ! ”      Debbie

“As to this so called “Big Aub” comment – according to our records you have a clean record with the Food Patrol Agency. It seems not only did you eat all of your own peas but all of your brothers’ peas, spaghetti, meatloaf, carrots, cake, grilled cheese, broccoli, cauliflower, cereal, french fries, and chicken dinners as well. Good job BIG Aub! If all of the children ate like you did the Food Patrol would be out of business for sure!

As for Food Vigilante, your knowledge of the Food Patrol is by far the most ridiculous bunch of written ramblings this agent has ever encountered. Yes, our organization’s conception did begin in a small kitchen in Manor, PA by a hippie couple. I will give you that and that only. The Food Patrol has only grown stronger in leaps and bounds since what we agents refer to as “the restructuring of the founding couple”. We have had continued financial support from the private and public sectors during this period. Our support continues with the passing of the recent stimulus package so that we can continue on our mission. We, as agents, are responsible for applying heightened observation skills to increase scrutiny for evidence of unusual activity related to food occasions/parties in the event of a declared or perceived threat to the Food Patrol laws and regulations. And you, FV, are most definitely a threat! You are on our radar. Beware – for I will post future comments that will surely disagree with any thoughts or observations your small mind can conjure! Consider yourself served! “- Agent F.

“Seriously, I have witnessed the original food patrol in action, and I don’t remember it having bylaws and regulations as much as an overarching policy or intimidation, fear and confusion. Eating one food would be rewarded on Thursday and derided on Friday. And there were often off-brand desserts — a crime in any jurisdiction. Nevertheless, Agent F’s thorough fisking (google it) of the party in question sounds accurate enough. I’ll have no truck with a party where the only use for a whip is to tame a wild dog.” Taricchio Risque

Dear FV, all FP original members and the splinter group who only now understand the glory of liver and onions! Tarricchio is correct when he speaks of the lack of bylaws and regulations. I really should have served select veggies, fish and meats in alphabetical order (much like I kept my array of spices). Asparagus and beef on Sunday, Broccoli and calamari on Monday, Cabbage and drake livers on Tuesday, Kohlrabi and fish heads on Wednesday, etc, etc. The possibilities are endless. As far as off brand desserts….a crime you say! While the original FP members were enjoying the missing label, dented, 10 cent surprise in a can, most of the time, DESSERT, YOU, my Twinkie loving twit of a nephew, were probably eating costly, no surprise, name brand schlock!

OFOFPUT – aka – Original Founder Of Food Patrol U Twits

I am glad some others affected by this ruthless organization have come out from hiding. I implore any of you who are holding your tongues to speak up freely and let the world know what the FPA has done to you. As for you, Agent F, watch you step. There is another gathering planned for my eldest son this coming Sunday. Attend if you must and be dazzeled by the glory of the at-home party. You are officially put on notice.

Only the squares need not attend,

FV

This recent comment/challenge was levied against my cause outlined in the article ‘Bell’ Compleanno‘

Greetings Food Vigilante. I am an agent of the Food Patrol. Please call me Agent F. There have been several written complaints submitted to my agency concerning a recent birthday party that you hosted. A little background about the Food Patrol Agency – our jurisdiction goes much further than simply what is on the menu. We cover all of the experiences of any and all occasions where food is served. It seems you have been practicing some “vigilante” justice of your own when it comes to food. (your first offense according to Food Patrol bylaw 33 article 17 which reads “No unauthorized food patrol blogging ….. witless comments for any to read online……..without written consent from the Food Patrol agency”) Now concerning said birthday party, you commented that your brother was ” very impressed with every facet of the party” This could not be farther from the truth. First off the party was held on a Friday night after work. Now for those of us with the traditional 8 – 5 Mon. thru Friday work week, the last thing you want to do after work on Friday is go to a child’s party. Not to mention that the party was for all intents and purposes out in Amish country compared to where your very gracious and kind brother works and lives. Secondly, parking was a complete nightmare. The driveway was already filled to capacity which left only street parking (a good 20 – 30 second walk from the front door). Now this doesn’t seem like a very far walk. If this were in a nicely lit, level paved parking lot like Bella Luna this short walk would have been delightful. Instead your guests had to traverse a muddy, brick and stick filled, poorly lit front yard while toting a baby in a car seat and a 2 year old. Hardly a good start. Thirdly, after finally reaching the front door, the next cardio workout came with climbing an endless staircase to the upstairs. (Remember – while toting baby in car seat, baby bag, presents for child, and a 2 year old) After finally reaching the so called “party” the relaxing began. It began with a vicious dog attacking your very kind and gracious brother’s 2 year old daughter. Not one vicious attack but two! After the second mauling from this vicious dog your girlfriend finally corralled this beast with a whip and chair back into its cage. Your brother does not remember there being any wild vicious beasts roaming the floors of Bella Luna. Fithly (is that a word? and I can’t remember the count), the food was acceptable. Sixthly, Food Vigilante, you smell like farts. Seventhly, if saving around $55 compared to Bella Luna’s fantastic pizza, pop, and free party room is worth all of this aggravation then you are simply a twit. Eighthly, there are many other crimes to list, however, Agent F has a day job and does not have the time. Charges will be brought in the Food Patrol Court! Consider yourself served!!

Interesting. Let me start with this, The Food Patrol Agency (FPA) was founded in the early 80′s by a hippie couple in Manor, PA. This organization’s sole purpose was to intimidate and confuse small children. Dinner time for any youngster can be very stressful. The intent of the FPA was to patrol during dinner hours and police the eating habits of America’s youth. They looked for peas hidden under chairs, spinach spread out on plates and children excusing themselves to the bathroom with mouthfuls of unwanted various foods, only to discard it in the toilet. Unconfirmed reports from the early conception of the FPA reveal that several children were actually extricated from their homes and prosecuted for these victimless ‘crimes’. I understand that kids need to eat their vegetables, but this was common misguided late 20th century logic. The intent was to improve the eating habits of youth, but the action was inexcusable.

Following the split of the FPA’s founding couple in the late nineties, the organization lost federal funding and was reduced to a handful of rouge agents. Granted the alleged abductions had ceased and the displaced agents initially fought for truth and goodness in food, much like me. But, without funding and leadership, corruption quickly took over and decimated the core values of the FPA. These agents rear up now and then usually fighting for causes on the darker side of culinary arts using worn out and outdated bylaws and regulations. I believe I may even know the identity of the agent who has been called upon to review my bash I threw last week. For safety’s sake, I’ll not reveal their name just yet. They have obviously been paid off in some fashion to adhere to the ridiculous notion that the cookie cutter warehouse party thrown at Bella Luna could even hold a birthday candle to the extravaganza last Friday at my home. The report by the FPA is full of unfounded lies and twisted truths. I will get to the bottom of this issue and reveal the culprit responsible for this blatant defamation.

I am, after all, the Food Vigilante. There is something you should know, the FPA has been after me for years since I escaped their clutches as a child. I was one of those small children oppressed by the FPA. My parents were those hippies. 

Put up your dukes!

FV

Here are the recent comments concerning my blargument with Richard…

‘Also, I’m sure they sell refillable travel mugs.’

‘Thrrreee! Three lumps, please.’

Listen up my caffeinated compadres. Richard is only trying to sway you with his fancy insulated travel mugs of deception and promises of suave older black gentleman. Don’t be fooled. Don’t let him pull the froth over your eyes. We have an easy espresso epidemic. Folks in the old world would gather from all around town (even the skinny jeans kid) and enjoy a steamy cup o’ joe to start their day or to enjoy a mid-day break. This was a matter of community. A matter of gathering around the steam machine and sipping from the pleasant cup of camaraderie. This issue is bigger than availability or cost or travel mugs. A local coffee shoppe is a watering hole of energy, both from the java and the company. The proliferation of coffee availability may be convenient, but it is destroying small towns and driving our citizens in to solitude and sadness.

Admittedly, A-Plus coffee was tasty and meeting ‘Fly’ was quite interesting, but I shall not be deterred. I shall folger forward, try not to sanka in to the abyss of a cheapened brew and I shall boldly defend the house of maxwell.

Join me not just for a cup of coffee, but for the sake of society.

Decaf is for whimps,

FV